Random thoughts on charisma, influence, public speaking, communication, impact and that kind of thing

It was great to see Kate Middleton’s first speech as Duchess of Cambridge – and didn’t she do well! Public speaking can be nerve-wracking whoever you are, and she certainly looked composed and confident. The pace of delivery was just about perfect, with some excellent pauses to give the audience a chance to take in what she was saying. .

It did, however, sound a little stilted, and over time it would be great to see Kate develop a more conversational tone. That’s not always easy when using notes and it’s probably a little early for her to be speaking in a spontaneous manner, given the speech would inevitably be broadcast around the world and be subject to detailed analysis. She would certainly benefit from working on her presentation skills going forward.

Kate’s body language was pretty good overall. Her posture was just right and her smile lit up the room. A little more animation from the hands would have created more energy but overall she would surely have been delighted with how it went.

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So. The end of another year. Time to take stock.

Look back. Look forward. Make some New Year Resolutions.

Are you planning to lose weight? Be happy? Fall in love? Get a job? Travel more? Quit smoking?

If so, you might like to check out my 10 Tips for Achieving New Year Resolutions, on the Speak First website.

The six resolutions listed above, by the way, were the top six goals as 2010 dawned. It’s interesting to see how the ‘top 10′ has changed over the last four years. Take a look at this table from www.43things.com

What strikes me as I cast my my eyes down the list is how few of the items relate to personal and professional development.

Why is no-one saying ‘Improve my personal impact’, ‘Learn to present more effectively’, ‘Enhance my influencing skills’ or ‘Build a stronger personal brand’?

Focusing on any of these things, even if it’s only for a few minutes each day, could make a huge difference to your success. They could even help you get the job of your dreams or make you happy.

I can’t promise they’ll help you lose weight or stop smoking. But who knows? Once you make one change, others will often follow.

Happy New Year!

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As another round of reality shows reach a climax on UK TV, one thing seems ever more obvious to me: the power of likeability.

Matt Cardle is a undoubtedly a worthy winner of the X Factor. But it wasn’t his musical talent alone which took him to the top. Right from the beginning of the show – except for the first week – he polled the highest percentage of the popular vote from viewers at home.

Why? Because he’s so darned likeable – and the likeability factor is crucial to winning X Factor. Many people consider Rebecca Ferguson the better singer, but her shy, quiet style meant she didn’t connect as effectively the audience. And as a result she wan’t as likeable.

The world’s leading expert on persuasion, Robert Cialdini, cites likeability as his number one ‘weapon of influence’, and I have to agree. It’s how political reporter John Sergeant came close to winning Strictly Come Dancing, when he was not exactly gifted in that regard. And it’s how Barack Obama triumphed over Hillary Clinton, despite her greater experience and the popularity of her policies.

So it’s obvious what you need to do to get ahead: be more likeable. Be expressive. Show your emotions. Take an interest in others. Find out what makes them tick. Have some humility and don’t take yourself too seriously.

What do you think makes someone likeable?

Matt Cardle - X Factor winner 2010

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Networking. We all know it’s the secret of success in business. And a necessary skill these days.

Why? Because business is personal. We like to do business with people we know and like and trust.

Isn’t that true of you? If you were looking for an accountant (or PR consultant, or web designer, or plumber, or solicitor or whatever) would you be more inclined to choose one you’d met personally or one you’d found via Google?

It’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? Why would you choose a stranger over someone you’d met – unless you’d taken a dislike to him or her?

So getting out there and getting known would seem to be an obvious thing to do. Yet many people find it daunting and difficult.

All that ‘breaking into’ groups. making small talk full of awkward silences, trying desperately to remember names but failing, and getting stuck with the same person all night long.

I was recently interviewed by menslifetoday.co.uk about networking. You can read the article here:

Mens Life Today Networking

A lot of it’s common sense, but something like 70% of us admit to being shy, so not surprisingly many people struggle.

If you’re a bit like that, remember that most of those you’ll meet feel the same, and they’ll appreciate you taking the initiative.

I was asked if social networking has changed the nature of networking. To a degree it has, but not that much. A virtual connection will only take you so far. There’s a limit to how memorable or charismatic you can be in a text message or linkedin message.

Pressing the flesh up close and personal is pretty much essential if you want to really connect with others.

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I often find myself talking about handshakes on the courses I run – including Developing Personal Impact and Networking Skills. It’s one of the few times people in business touch, so a lot gets read into that brief moment of flesh-on-flesh.

So I was interested to see that an academic has come up with an equation that represents the perfect handshake. It goes like this:

PH = √ (e2 + ve2)(d2) + (cg + dr)2 + π{(4<s>2)(4<p>2)}2 + (vi + t + te)2 + {(4<c>2 )(4<du>2)}2

Where (e) is eye contact (1=none; 5=direct) 5; (ve) is verbal greeting (1=totally inappropriate; 5=totally appropriate) 5; (d) is Duchenne smile – smiling in eyes and mouth, plus symmetry on both sides of face, and slower offset (1=totally non-Duchenne smile (false smile); 5=totally Duchenne) 5; (cg) completeness of grip (1=very incomplete; 5=full) 5; (dr) is dryness of hand (1=damp; 5=dry) 4; (s) is strength (1= weak; 5=strong) 3; (p) is position of hand (1=back towards own body; 5=other person’s bodily zone) 3; (vi) is vigour (1=too low/too high; 5=mid) 3; (t) is temperature of hands (1=too cold/too hot; 5=mid) 3; (te) is texture of hands (5=mid; 1=too rough/too smooth) 3; (c) is control (1=low; 5=high) 3; (du) is duration (1= brief; 5=long) 3.

Impressive, eh?

It was devised by Professor Geoffrey Beattie, head of psychological sciences at the University of Manchester, and – although arguably using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut – reflects the extensive research I’ve done on handshakes.

Getting the pressure right is the most important thing. “I don’t like a feeble handshake,” exclaimed Alan Davies on last night’s QI, “it gives me the creeps.” And I know from experience that he speaks for many, But then, as Eddie Izzard observes, some people have a crusher, ‘compensation’ handshake that causes ‘hand-squeezy death’, which can be just as bad.

The worst, though, is when you don’t go ‘web-to-web’ and you fail to connect properly, and you’re left hold their fingers, or they’re holding yours.

Bottom line: handshakes matter when it comes to making a positive first impression and making the right impact.

If you don’t know if yours is good or bad, get a few close friends or colleagues to give you feedback.

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Tony Blair’s widely-publicised comments about Gordon Brown – ‘Analytical intelligence, absolutely. Emotional intelligence, zero’ – may seem harsh, but there’s surely more than a grain of truth in them.

From the woeful YouTube expenses video to his ill-fated meeting with Rochdale voter Gillian Duffy, Gordon has struggled to present a pleasing personality to the public. Which may have made you wonder what he’s like behind the scenes. Now we’ve got a good idea!

If only Gordon had attended a one of my Emotional Intelligence courses! How things could have been different! In just one day he could have increased his self-awareness and understood himself better, recognised his own patterns of emotional response and – crucially – managed his emotions better, and made better emotional choices.

While conventional intelligence (IQ) is obviously important, it’s not enough if you want to build great relationships and make the most of your potential. You need Emotional Intelligence (EQ) as well.

Research shows that EQ is the ‘difference that makes the difference’ in many areas of business: sales people with higher Emotional Intelligence sell more; leaders with higher EQ are more successful.

So, Gordon, if you’re reading this – find out about my Emotional Intelligence workshop.

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Oh, I do love TED (http://www.ted.com).

Where else can you see some top-notch presentations – ideal if you’re looking to improve your public speaking skills – while at the same time catching up with the latest thinking in areas such as social change, politics, science, design and a whole lot more?

TED is easily one of the best sites on the web. And it’s free! If you haven’t seen it, go there now!

Just watched Dan Pink talking about motivation. As well as being highly entertaining, it’s also extremely stimulating. Drawing on the research he did for his book Drive, he asserts that motivation is primarily intrinsic – it comes from within – not extrinsic, coming from outside.

That’s why company systems often fail: you need to understand what’s important to the person, because that’s what motivates them.

Neither the carrot nor the stick can be relied upon – yet that’s what all too many leaders and managers use.

Time for a re-think, and a new approach.

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Had a curry the other night. Average.

Just been watching TV. Average.

Service in a shop at lunchtime. Average.

The book I’m reading. Average.

There’s a lot of average. Mediocrity is everywhere. Don’t you agree?

Of course you do.

But for anyone who wants to make a positive impact – to stand out from the crowd, to differentiate themselves – all this mediocrity, all this average, is very good news indeed.

You just have to care enough to do that little bit more to seem exceptional. You don’t even have to go the legendary ‘extra mile’. Just a few extra steps will put you ahead of the pack.

Impact, leadership, charisma – it all starts with one thing.

Don’t settle for average.

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Had lunch with Joseph O’Connor today. and his wife Andrea. A great pleasure chatting over pub grub down the road.

Some of you may know Joseph through his excellent NLP and coaching books. I read Introducing NLP more than a decade ago, and it’s still one of the best introductions to the subject.

More recently, Joseph and Andrea have been focusing on coaching. They run a coaching business in Brazil (http://www.lambent.com) and the ICC, one of the largest communities of coaches in the world (http://www.internationalcoachingcommunity.com). Their latest book, How Coaching Works, should be considered essential reading for anyone involved in coaching.

We (my wife Amanda and colleague Jermaine joined us) were meeting Joseph and Andrea to see if there was any potential for us to work together on some upcoming projects.

I don’t know about you, but I’m always nervous about meeting people I admire from reading their books. What if they’re dull, grumpy or – worse – stupid? Their books can never be the same again.

Meeting Joseph, though was a delight. Knowledgeable, thoughtful, imaginative – he was everything a great coach should be. And the same is true of Andrea.

When many people think about impact they think of it as extravert and flamboyant. But many of those with real, lasting impact are not like that at all. Their energy is gentler. Less forceful.

Meeting Joseph and Andrea reminded me that a whisper can be louder than a shout. The softer side of impact has a lot going for it.

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How do you get other people to do things?

It’s easy: impact and influence.

But is it easy? Not always. In fact sometimes it’s downright hard. Sometimes it seems impossible.

I’ve spent much of my adult life getting people to do things – as a journalist, manager, editor, therapist, writer and trainer – and I’ve learnt a lot along the way.

But there’s so much more to understand and know.

That’s what this blog is about. It will explore impact and influence from a multitude of perspectives, and how it manifests itself in everything from charisma and leadership to public speaking, networking and sales.

As with any blog, it needs input, dialogue and opinion from the outside world. Otherwise it’s just me talking to myself.

So join me please on this journey of discovery.

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